E-mail for thought

My lovely lovely man,

I just do it again and sent you my thoughts, ofcourse I couldnt sleep after last night again. One year after our break up and a month after I told you I love you, I still can't let go. And apparently that is what I have to do as you are doing. But it goes up and down and now just down at the moment, especially after our weekend in London. But it was so great to see you again and we are moving ahead.

Yes I still love you, although rationally I see all the obstacles you are seeing. Some things didnt change, others changed dramatically I think. Enough to reconsider I thought. I tell you I love you, you don't. Oh I know you love me but not enough to reconsider. Still thinking of all those obtacles. And that is something I have to live with as well. We are both so rigid sometimes in our behaviour towards each other, this is how it has to be otherwise not. Just to bad.

But then again you changed so much as well you tell me, and I can see glimpses of that. Things that were so important then, now at least you can live with it. My/our insecure financial future can be lived with who can offer you less. And of course I wonder why not at least that tolerance or patience with our situation. And other things I wanted/needed with you, you tell me now that they have become part of you. Maybe its just me that you couldnt do them with. And that should tell me something to. Maybe that is something I have to learn, as you learn them to as you told me in the car.

I am sorry I used you for my help, you are in pain as well and its not fair of me to do so. I should stop this. I can tell you had enough, when I want to go on and on and talk, you are tired of me and the situation. And I don't even blame you, you need time and support yourself.

I keep apologizing with you and I shouldnt. I have given you my undying love and I have so much to give. I believe I am a good and amazing person but it just wasn't enough for whatever reason. I have to move on and get closure. What I wanted is impossible, not matter how much I analyze it. This is the situation, we don't change it for whatever reason, nothing else matters, not the possible future, my love or what or why it was. My new mantra is: take the given situation, and move on.

That is what it is and I have to work with it and I will just be fine. You will be fine to my love. I hope you will be fine because I love you, love you

henk

Weekend London

I have been tearfull all day. I returned sunday from London and spent all weekend with A. He didn't work as planned that weekend and spent the time with me. It was so nice and good to see, feel and hear him, we hugged in bed and talked. This is not the good way to get perspective from a broken relationship. I enjoy his company so much, we talked and talked but no fight. Little anger from my side to hear his motives and what he is doing now. Doing things he didnt do with me. That hurts. But my mantra this weekend was, whatever happened its no use going over them again and again but it will not change anything anymore. The mantra helped.

But whenever I am with A. I just want to be with him and make it work. I have a problem, how can I function that way. I will let my life pass just hoping it will happen and it will not happen, after all it didnt happen for such a long time. I hope he is good and happy with what he is doing

Sunday morning Bach

Sunday morning, my weekly picture. Going to yoga class in a few hours. Easy quiet weekend, just stayed in and did a few tours around the house and went to the gym. Its cold and snowing and I sit home alone listening to Bach. Curch music on a Sunday morning what is more apropiate. I manipulated a few family pictures for A. yesterday and hopefully the will be done before I go to London. I hope it will make him happy. Spoke almost 2 hours with Rosie, we will be going out next weekend. Dance the night away as in the good old Disco era. Looking forward to it. Getting away out of the rut as well. Mondaymorning meeting with the bank. Can I finance what I am planning? I am sure they will be able to tell me. Looking forward to a new adventure. Doing it all on my own. No need, no desire to have A. involved. Buy some property for myself and my future without having him there. Big improvement cos I wanted him to be there all the time. Just feeling a bit lost sometimes. But not the feeling of having lost him anymore. Its just not there anymore. I hope it stays like that. The week after London, I. B. will be coming to Amsterdam. Looking forward in spending time with him and just do stuff together and get to know him better

My enemy

Attended a seminar yesterday and I had read on the participant list that the wife of my sworn enemy would be there as well. This one time girlfriend had found it necessary to stand by her man and write lies, personal issues and half truths about me in testimonials that ended in my court case. I will never be able to forgive her for that. She was not present, which at least meant I didn't need to do anything. The Buddha does not hate but I do not need that kind of people in my life. Clean up my life from bad personalities.

Otherwise feeling good. A bit hyper and teary. I miss him and actually look forward in seeing him next week. He is so great, but I see the risks of staying with him. Emotions returning and all, which means we have to keep it nice and easy going, no personal exchanges. And then some
distance again which will be good.

Ordered my business cards, hopefully it will boost the massage business again. I enjoy it a lot and perfecting my talent is one of my new goals. In two weeks time Ibrahim will be visiting for the weekend, looking very much forward to that.

Moving on

This week has been good. Although I keep talking in my head to him. Today I read an e-mail from a few years ago from our first break up. It was a nasty break up and he treated me bad because I had been chatting on gaydar. I could read it without getting emotional, just a bit. And it was a bit sad that some things hadn't changed. I was unhappy then because there was no time and place in his life for me then of things going on. The same as now and why I broke up. Always other things going on and no time for us and me. And still I wanted him back, crazy obsessive love is. He is special and I do anything for him. And put my head on the block to get him back. But things didn't change and its time to move on.

I hope my visit will go well and we can just enjoy each others company and then move on again. I don't want to discuss anything anymore, no feelings, nothing of how it happened. Nothing, nothing, just fun shallow things.

Things finally clear up and I can feel happy again, laugh and enjoy. Its great to party and meet great wonderful people. Actually meeting some nice interesting people through massage and parties and soon hopefully of to Firenze and Paris to meet some great friends and party. Doing it different then before and then you can meet nice interesting people on the scene who respect you. And not just go for the quick fuck and the great bottoms. Just dance and enjoy.

Birthdays

It was birthday weekend. Friday it was my sisters birthday, I left work early to go there. Having dinner with my parents and then coffee together with my sister and her wife. Nice and intimate. In between the conversation she told me that Andreas had called to congratulate her. I could see she wasn't sure how to bring it as she knew in how much pain I had been the past weeks, months. I nodded and thought how happy I otherwise would have been. But I also found it touching how he wanted to stay part of me and my family. He had even told me that he would like to see my parents again. I was not so sure about all that, things would work out themselves. Now I found no need to plan anything but go with the flow. Its these things that confuse me, like we still have something going on. And we don't, we are no longer boyfriends, not even lovers, fuckbuddies. And we certainly are no friends. Just ex es that try to find common ground. I just don't have the energy anymore to focus on that. I has to be me first and what I need. And that is distance and perpective.

Saturday a dinnerparty with one of my best friends, a great guy who was supportive and there even if I had been absent for a long time. Him I called when I freaked when I heard about the new boyfriend. Great food and old acquitances and I could feel myself again. I slowly felt I was becoming myself again. Finally some things going my way. My courtcase done and finished, my work going fine, massage business booming. And meeting interesting people. The distance was creating some perspective and made me happier.

He called...

He called last night... and my hart skipped a beat. For a moment it almost seemed we would compete who was most miserable. And I thought but you have a new boyfriend why feel miserable. There and then I cut that thought and said I don't want to discuss it. We feel as we feel thats it. And we had a little talk, it was nice but a bit unnerving. What was the use, why were we doing this? I can't differentiate between being in touch and being boyfriends. Thats what I wanted to be. And that is what we are not. Not being in touch was good for me, things fade out. Things happpen and blur out the past. Moving on. If I can't have you as my boyfriend I have to forget a bit of what was, at least till I am back on my feet. Minimize contact. When we talk I almost believe it is still there, it is what I hear when I talk to him. And the truth and fact is that we are past history. And he does not want to talk things through. We have no future. That is why I find it difficult to understand why he wants to see my parents and call my sister to congratulate her with her birthday. If you don't want me as your boyfriend why do you want these things.? They are part of me. What is is that you love about me if we cannot talk about things. I told you I love you still and I want to discuss mistakes and possibilities. But you don't want that. You have a boyfriend and time is not right. Then I wonder what love it is we had. But I will stop wondering. Cos it is useless. And I feel better just moving on. After all despite all the passion and love I have for him, I was most part of the relationship unhappy. Now I am at least not unhappy although I miss him. But at least things are possible again. I would love to love again and see some good things happening.

E-mail

I did it yesterday. I sent the e-mail that I had prepared already for a week. It was the right mixture of showing emotion without becoming possesive and over emotional. I asked a question which needed a response. Andreas almost immediately responded back. It was breathtaking to hear the little bleep from messenger telling me I had an e-mail. It was a nice e-mail, I almost knew that, he can not be nasty. He was happy to hear from me and he wanted to get in touch as well. But as always I am first ofcourse. And he is ok, not able to see happiness but ok. I replied civil and refrained from writing anything about my emotions. Its no good anyway to go that way. Even now I read things between the lines that are probably not there. And if they would be there we will not do anything about them. He is ok although maybe not happy means that he is coping alone and has no need to explore anything with me. So lets just not go there. I find I cope better without knowing anything. I would love to be there but then the balance is all wrong again. We will meet in London in a few weeks time, I plan no contact in the mean time and will see how it goes. I have to be there, there is no other way and maybe it will be good to see him and move on again. But I don't want to know anything about who he is with or what he is doing or going through. Just nice things that cherish what we had. I made an appointment with a shrink, I just have to wait till april till he has time. I feel ok and a bit better these days but I don't want to know anything. Its just so over.