Furball

Went to Furball on saturday. Sjag worked at the door. I was constantly flirting with everybody and had a general good time. I gave a Brasilian guy a standing invitation to come and play with me and told his boyfriend so when he joined us. So incredibly forward I can be when a bit high. After a little talk I realized the English boyfriend was a client of Andreas. He matched the description I received once. A television producer who sold his business to Endemol. I asked him if he knew Andreas. He did but hadn't seen Andreas for a long time and thought he was still in Amsterdam with me. I told him we had broken up, doing so I sobered up immediately. He was not in the mood to talk about Andreas I could see, being in a playfull mood himself. It almost killed the night for me as I got very upset. Later we went to the Lexion to the afterparty

Saturday morning, had a short night and woke up with my head on Andreas his pillow. Vaguely I remember I screamed in my dream but don't know what it was about. My body is so tired from insufficient sleep.
I took this picture of myself this morning. I like taking pictures of myself. I stare at them and wonder if you can see from the outside what goes on inside.
Gym yesterday but again so tired, chinese food with Sjag, then COC but the benefit was over already. Stopped by at Mario and had a glass of wine and we smoked a joint. Just chilling together. In the gym I shared my love story with a stranger. I shared my pain with him once before and I felt totally comfortable doing so. I cried a bit this morning, it felt good to feel the tears. Still no news from Andreas, I know he is doing well. And me? slowly slowly I guess. But my life is fabulous with some great friends around me I found out once again. I took some big steps this week. Action points taken of moving on and telling or more screaming to the world what I feel and how I am. Constantin wrote me that he had read my blog and he was impressed with me how I was being genuine and able to share my loss with the world. Nicest thing ever to say to me.

In the office

Checking my mails. Nothing from Andreas. Is it a good idea to get in touch again or should I just leave it like this? Cherish the memories. It will not be going anywhere anyway. But maybe it will and maybe we can be at least friends and enjoy each others company? Yesterday evening was a good evening. I went shopping and bought new clothes at Hennes & Mauritz. And it felt good, got myself a new I-pod and a Bose sound system. Finally some energy my way, shopping therapy they call it I believe. Had dinner with Sjag, wrote his motivation letter for a job he wants to apply for and we hung out together. It feels good to be with good people.

On the phone

Yesterday I spent hours on the phone talking to my friend Rosie in London. He is so fun and honest and I can say everything to him. And I talk endlessly to him about Andreas. He warns me, forbids me, allows me, we dispute and we laugh out loud. He is involved with a married man after having been in a relationship for 10 years. Yes he has been through enough. And I tell him off, married men are trouble. He will b supportive and introduce him to the scene and once on his feet he will leave Rosie. And never Rosie will be no. 1. Kids, ex-wife will come first. Its a bad B-movie. He agrees and wants to go on anyway and I love him for being able to go on. Put his passion and happiness where his hart is. We laugh so much and I am brutal with him about what is ahead of him. But he wants this man anyway. I love my Rosie.

Lost and moved on

How long is it now? a week, 2 weeks? I wake up at night from my dreams, my conversations with you. Why I did not hear from you? I know it is over and that you had enough and want to move on and right now I just want to make it work again. It hurts and is painfull and my head is full of you. No sign of life and each day that passes make it harder. To miss your voice, to know that you share your life with somebody else. To know that times don't return. It was perfect and yet not enough and that perfectness, my longing for you I miss. You drive me crazy, we are on different tracks again. I have to move on and I will but I don't want to miss you. But I feel I have lost you already, I heard it in your voice. Not again, no more, you were nice and gentle. For what was and had been but your voice told me it was enough. And that is what you finally wrote to me. And that is what I dream about at night. And that is what creeps in my thoughts when I am social and talk and laugh and it is back in my head and my smile freezes. Its gone and over and will not come back. He loves me maybe still but has moved on and his voice tells me I have become a burden.

Dig no shallow grave

When love disappears
And flows the other direction
And you are left behind
Dig no shallow grave

Amazed, bewildered and in pain for what happened. My hart ripped out and you say it will become better. Nothing more I want to do but bang your head and say why him and not me. Did you love me at all, why do you hurt me so much. And why do I love you so much. Moving on you did and advice me to do. But I grief and mourn for what was, what was lost and of future unfulfilled.

For I was content for what I had and full of dreams of what might be. As different as we were and so alike in what we want. I felt my hart pouring out the first time in my life and it opened up and cried for joy and pain. We can sail to Aphrodite’s island where she was born I said, let us go to Alexandria and walk where Kavafis once thread. We have the world and the future is ours. Love me, love me, love me. I love you as no one before. But love was not enough you said, you do your thing and I do mine. But I want to be with you and die with you. But love is not enough you said. But together we can make everything work I said. But love is not enough you said.

Bitter and disappointed we sailed our own way but we kept an eye on each others sail. It hurt to be apart. We can be together again you said, it is possible. Absolutely not I cried and missed everything about you. So in pain without you, so much wanting to be with you. But it hurt too much; the pain accompanied me every day. I did not understand the waves anymore and I struggled to stay afloat. Why was love not enough?

Your ship sailed on and on board you took a new mate. He touched you, you said. Be happy for me, it was hard to sail my ship, the waves can be dangerous. But why him and not me, I would have given my life for you. To have you with me, to sail those treacherous waves with you. It’s all I wanted, but love was not enough. And the pain for that was pulling me down, the undertow pulled me under.

And now to feel left behind as wreckage of a destroyed ship on a foggy rocky beach. I am left behind to gather pieces and wonder what happened. Yearning for what was and unfulfilled, knowing you are lost forever as you sailed on. I pierce my eyes and see you sailing with a new mate onboard. Someone who gives you what I lacked, although I gave you all my hart and soul and body to. To feel that you don't want it anymore, all three gifts thrown away. Which all the gentle words can not hide that ugly truth.

And when I pick myself up from that rocky beach and see your ship sail away. There is nothing I can do but pick up the corpse next to me. It is deformed and swollen from the water. Only in glimpses you can recognize its glory and beauty. It’s the man that I called passion and love and I have to drag it up shore. And when I bury the corpse I don't dig a shallow grave. I make sure it has no chance of rising to the surface. Go as deep as you can, throw in the body and cover it up. Dance and stand on the grave. For grief and mourn by dance, cry and scream.

And when I have buried the corpse, I grief and mourn. But my body still aches, for it is not used to the loss, it yearns for the touch, the voice, the love. Hit the body then, cut the flesh of the bones, let the blood flow and look in bewilderment how it finds the lowest ground. And for that instant you have lost the pain and you can once again in innocence look at the sky where clouds reveal blue. And I am virgin cleansed by blood and Aphrodite looks upon me and is merciful.

And when I have buried the corpse I grief and mourn. But my body still aches, for it is not used to the loss, it yearns for the touch, the voice, the love. Hit the body then, cut the flesh of the bones, let the blood flow and look in bewilderment how it finds the lowest ground. And for that instant you have lost the pain and you can once again in innocence look at the sky where clouds reveal blue.

And you are virgin cleansed by blood and Aphrodite looks upon you and is merciful. And hopefully after all this, pain will subside; the body will stop quivering and while I lie on that grave cold will creep in my bones as the grave is bitter cold. But I look up to the sky and don’t feel the pain anymore and while I close my eyes sweet things come up, the memory of you black hair on your neck, your smell of tiger heat. And tears start to flow and drip on the grave, now it is bittersweet. I have lost and gained. Lost what I had and gained my memories of my one passion in life. And tears flow so many hours and the spilled blood and tears seep through the ground and maybe will nourish this repulsive corpse. For I still hope that I will be able to love again

To let him go

To let him go
I have to say my goodbyes
To let go of the One
Cos time is not right
That love is the most bitter love there is
They say it will get better and I am sure it will
But something so perfect
How can time be wrong
But I will let him go
So he can do what is right for him
And so wrong for me
And time will heal and
When I will look back
At least he will have his life his way
I should would could be happy for him
But my love is less sacrificing, more demanding
For me, as I am fabulous I will shine
But always think it could have been even better
But time will heal they tell me
And I move on and work hard on moving on
To make it come true

Up and running

Up and running is what I try to do. Life sucks and then you die

Looking back I wonder sometimes how early he already said goodbye to the relationship. With X-mas he didn't want to sent out cards together as we had done before. I produced a X-mas picture with the both of us. But he sent one out of him alone. His gaydar profile said single, no need to to link me as partner. Little or big signs that said we were moving apart. Although he said I shouldnt read anything in it. I knew that, I didnt get the support I needed. He was not there for me when times were hard for me. And I believe that it was not out of cruelty of disrespect. There was just no space for me as I needed it in his life at that time. He had his things on his plate as he said and I wanted some respect and love, loads of love. Which I didnt get. Which is why I broke up. Bitter and angry with him. Still angry with him.